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1 - Humpy Hill Fuck
Hole Info
Description
Stepping to this box you automatically think WTF. Course says aim over the aiming stick hit about 200-230. I say aim right of the stick and fucking blast this bitch. I deal landing is between 90 and 125 from the hole. Big valley in front of the green. Green is deep so mind the placement on 2nd shot. You could also limp dick it to the right 100 yards to have an open 150 approach.
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2 - Hallway With Cum Covered Walls
Hole Info
Description
Walk this fairway like you would a hallway with cum covered walls. If you are on with your driver you can make short work of this hole but if you miss you are looking at a double. Bitch play here is hit is about 220 for a short approach. But you will be just as pissed when your hybrid fucks you as you will if your driver does.
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3 - Fall Off The Earth
Hole Info
Description
This tabletop green makes you feel like any miss will just fall off the earth…so don’t fucking miss. Mind the wind off the water and the fact this plays 1-2 clubs shorter because of the downhill. Stick this fucker in the mouth.
Oh, and we are getting a fucking selfie on the green. 🤘 -
4 - Cum Blastin’ From The Mountain Top
Hole Info
Description
There is some shit in the course notes about aiming at the right side because left will roll out, but look, take out your dick, swing out of your fucking shoes and deal with the consequences. No good story starts with “I laid up off the elevated tee box”.
The green is a cunt, no mater where the pin is just hit that fat fuck on the right. -
5 - Fart Surprise Between Two Shits
Hole Info
Description
The map here shows the fairway running out into that Fart bubble between two shits but I believe there is a narrow strip that connects the fairways. If you get ahold of one it could fly the end of the fairway and land you in some rough. You could also just fuck off left of the tee into some rattle snake shit, we don’t know and to me that screams driver. Now, if you do fly that fairway and catch the strip you could get a nice roll out…you could get laid tonight too but don’t count on it.
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6 - The Two Meat Curtains
Hole Info
Description
The left pussy lip is narrower to land but has a much better approach. The right pussy lip is an easier drive, that is why it looks like it has been used more than Diane’s clean up towels but has a harder approach. I say aim left and swing hard. Chances are you slice and land softly in the used up meat curtain.
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7 - Water Mind Fuck
Hole Info
Description
Down hill par 3 to a decent size green. This plays 1 club less unless there is wind. Basically, just pretend that the only spot to land is the green and don’t let the pond in front and FUCKING RIVER in back make you chant water, water, water as you swing.
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8 - Bear Fucker (the resident bear can be seen in the canyon to the right sometimes)
Hole Info
Description
Do you like uphill holes? Oh, then you are gonna love the next 6 cunts. We will be on this hole for 30 min so get comfortable. A blasted drive will be prob 30 short of your typical distance. The right side of this fairway is more open than it looks. No chance reaching in 2 so pick your preferred distance from the pin and club up 2 clubs. Then for your approach, also club up 2 clubs. Bottom line…this is up hill.
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9 - Finger My Shitter
Hole Info
Description
Oh, we all fucking aced that last uphill piece of shit so lets do this again. Drive should hug the left side to help cut the hole. A nice drive can leave you with a short approach but be mindful of the height of the green as it will play 1-2 clubs longer.
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10 - The Cuttle Fish
Hole Info
Description
This one might not be uphill, but they did drop some bunkers in there to fuck ya. 200+ to clear the first bunker. 274 to clear the 2nd bunker. This fairway favors a fade so aim left side and fade it to the middle. If that last bunker catches you maybe you can be happy with a 270-yard drive. Approach shot is flat and straightforward.
Double Green so mind the pin you are aiming for. -
11 - Break Out Your Flip Flops
Hole Info
Description
Long par 3 with thirsty sand traps guarding the whole green. Safest play might be putter off the box here.
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12 - Aye, I Fucking Sliced It (CONQUER THE LAKE HOLE 1)
Hole Info
Description
Uphill scenic par for nestled in a canyon of Pull Your Finger Out Of Your Ass. Don’t fuck off your drive to the right unless you like swimming and I’m not talking about that big fucking lake in front of you, I’m talking that little bitch pond just past it. That is way more embarrassing. Approach is 1-2 clubs longer and the green has a big ass backstop so be long.
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13 - Up The Canyon’s Asshole (CONQUER THE LAKE HOLE 2)
Hole Info
Description
My golf cart is fucking tired. Are we almost to the fucking top? Straightforward uphill par 4. Fairway bunker to catch shit shots. Everything plays at least an extra club. Great drive could leave you with a pitch shot to the pin. Bowl around the back of the green so hitting way over will not fuck ya too bad.
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14 - Adam’s Giant Thunder Cock (CONQUER THE LAKE HOLE 3)
Hole Info
Description
It was on this hole that Adams hit a fucking 400 yard drive. The details of the rest of the hole are unimportant. 400 FUCKING YARDS. Skip your drive off the hill on the left and you will come to rest way the fuck down their by the lake. Proper drive makes this a very short par 5 and a scorable hole (Diane). This green is not that wide so check the map before you approach. I would say this is reachable in two with a 5 iron or less.
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15 - The Penultimate Pegging
Hole Info
Description
This hole is laid out to give you a nice 7. It is a long par 4 with a, strange for this course, UPHILL FUCKING APPROACH SHOT. You have to be long off the tee with a shot favoring the right side to get a good look at the green. Even with a great drive you are looking at a long iron approach so give your balls a tug and put some jizz on this one. Approach is 1-2 clubs up. Green looks like it slopes off the Mountain.
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16 - Practice Girl
Hole Info
Description
The course notes say something about not using driver here because accuracy is important on this hole but look, accuracy has not been a concern of ours all fucking weekend so I don’t think I’m going to stand on a Thunder Dong mountain and not use my driver. You land this fairway and the approach is flat and easy like a practice girl. Double Green so mind your pin placement.
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17 - Nice Consensual Rimming
Hole Info
Description
This hole is like an appetizer of soft mushy peas before being hammered in the asshole by a fat girlfriend you are pretty sure is a man hating lesbian. I am getting ahead of myself. \nNice pedestrian par 3. The green looks to slope off the mountain and there is a hill left of the green that will kick you onto the green so, I don’t know, maybe aim left. I do caution you to start applying lube on this hole to be ready for 18.
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18 - THE ULTIMATE PEGGING
Hole Info
Description
Yeah, you read the distance right. We are going to be on this hole for 4 days. We are tired, I’m still hungover form Derek making me do blowjob shots at the bar. It is time to sack it up one last time. This hole is dedicated to Jaime and Derek’s OLD FUCKING BALLS. Uphill longest par 5 you have ever played. You need 3 perfect shots. A par here is fucking amazing. Favor the right side on your drive and 2nd. Approach needs to carry a creek in front of the green so take enough club. God Speed Friends