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1 - Topped Garbage
Hole Info
Description
After the free lukewarm 4-day old breakfast at the Rape Shack Motel and an easy warm up on the range you are already sweating like a fucking pig and you know the food poisoning is setting in fast. Time to focus, wipe your clammy ass hands on your belly like a fucking savage and step up to the box. This course is short, technical, and was only put on this earth to get you to quit the fucking game. Rise up, Rise up, Rise up. The bunker is only in play if you hit your ball into it. Driver to the left of the fairway bunker and short iron in, tap in for birdie. Let’s fuck this course in the throat.
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2 – Snake in the ass
Hole Info
Description
If your feeling good about that last hole, then let the line out on this bitch and try to get to 300 off the tee leaving you with only 200 in. If that last hole snipped your balls off, then put a nice drive out there left of those traps and make this whole much easier with 3 good shots to the green.
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3 – Three Assholes?
Hole Info
Description
This hole was fully designed to draw your attention to those three fairway asshole bunkers. Again, those bunkers are not in play unless you hit your ball in them. You should be able to fly those at about 205 yds. Really this hole is a bomb it, chip it, put it kind of hole. Don’t add in a bunch of fuckup shots to shit all over your scorecard. You have tons more holes to do that on.
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4 – Just Be Perfect
Hole Info
Description
How good is your PW/9 Iron game? Hope it is good because this fucker only has one and a half safe misses. Best miss is long right…if you bail out short left you are safe hitting out of that bunker. Now….if you just quit worrying about fucking up and just knock this bitch stiff and drain a 6 footer for bird you can watch all the other assholes fish their shit out of the water or blade a bunker shot from the back into the water. Who knows maybe we see a club throw or better yet someone breaks one over their knee. Good Luck.
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5 – Ass Spelunker
Hole Info
Description
Tighten up your balls and turn on your headlamps this fucker is skinny. That bunker on the right is going to catch any fades. A perfect drive is left of that bunker flying the bunkers on the left, however, that is about a 45 yrd wide landing area. Now, if you do pull off that sweet sweet drive you could make it home in two. If not lay up about 70 yards from the pin before those bunkers.
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6 – Balance Beam…of Shit
Hole Info
Description
Look around the tee box you are standing on. The green is not much wider than the tee box. This is a chip and put for par kind of hole. If you are perfect from 160 then fire away…but a respectable play here is bail out short left for an open chip and put for par.
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7 – More of a Layup Then Diane After Taco Tuesday
Hole Info
Description
This is a technical hole. Don’t try and bomb it over that bunker to try and land on a porn star landing strip. Anywhere from 230 – 250 just right of that left side bunker is a great shot leaving you with a wedge into this little green. Too much right and you bring that big fuck tree into play and you will have to hit over it to get to the green. Sure, you will feel like a bitch but you will have a par instead of a triple….but you are still a little bitch.
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8 – Shut Your Mouth and Run Me Like a River
Hole Info
Description
I was going to call this hole “Brad Pitt was spotted in Lk Stevens” because, well, a river runs through it, but I just picked on Woo on the last hole. I digress.
If you aim and that bunker and get ahold of it, you will land in it. If you aim just left of those trees and run this fucking river you will be set up for a short iron into this green. Pretty fucking simple if you are not thinking about your wife getting railed by Brad Pitt the whole hole. -
9 – Like Pat, This Hole Is Not To Be Fucked With
Hole Info
Description
That water comes into play at about 260…all of us can run this bitch right in there. This is another one you want to keep driver in the bag since left of the water is only about 40 yrds wide. Maybe a nice easy 3 wood, then show off your tour sauce from 116 into a tiny green with bunkers and water. This game is fun….we are HAVING FUN!!!
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10 – Little Spermy On My Chin
Hole Info
Description
I know it feels like after that front 9 that you have lost the BSO and El Rey is out of reach but remember you have 81 more holes to fuck up….I mean recover and get back on track. It all starts with this drive. If you are feeling good you can aim at that left trap and fly that bitch leaving you in the fairway with about 120 to the pin. Watch out for the chin spermy sand trap on the left and play to the back of this green.
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11 – Praying Jizz Pillow
Hole Info
Description
Anything you can do to cut that corner gets you closer to home in 2. This approach is rough with a lake on the right and a green that slopes left to right.
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12 – Tiggering the Cart Path
Hole Info
Description
This is an intimidating hole. Your options are to fly those bunkers, drop it just right of those bunkers…OR aim right at those fuckers and hope you tigger your ball down the cart path for an easy home in 2 shot. This green is no picnic either. Water all along the right, bunker short and bunker back left. Wise play would be to lay up on your 2nd just short of that long left bunker for a controlled chip shot into the green.
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13 – Smooth Sailing…On My Dick
Hole Info
Description
This hole looks pretty straight forward for once. Only issue would be if you fade your drive and get hung up in the bunkers on the right. Instead, aim down the left and carry that clump of bunkers. Should set you up for an approachable green. Bunkers in the back but really…this is a par at worst hole.
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14 – Did That Go in The Water…YUP
Hole Info
Description
Feeling accurate? If you go Driver here you want to fly that right fairway bunker being ok with landing in the rough, as the fairway is only 30 yrds wide while the distance between cart path and water is closer to 50 yrds. If you are feeling more like some course management is a good idea then landing just short left of that fairway bunker will leave you about 135 into this little green protected by water on the left and back.
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15 – This Course is Wetter Than a Kitty Glitter Seat
Hole Info
Description
Not a lot of opportunity to be short here. I would club up and play to the back of the green. Or you could throw a skipper out there and see if you get lucky.
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16 – Choose How You Want It
Hole Info
Description
Do you want to cross the water with your driver or with a short iron. If Driver then aim at that left hand fairway bunker and miss it about a foot to the right. If you want to cross with a short iron then put your driver away and hit it about 235 to the right side of the fairway leaving around 120 to the pin, but over water to a small green. This hole looks like it should be on Golden Tee
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17 – The Odyssey of Lemmiwinks
Hole Info
Description
This fairway is so skinny Lemmiwinks would think twice about walking down it. But just like Lemmiwinks we have a job to do and that is to push through this anus and reach the colon of plenty. Aim should be right at that lake on the left side of the fairway with a tiny fade. That should set you up the option to get home in 2…however a river runs the entire right side and anything off line will be wet. Landing in the bunker front right will be a tight asshole kind of shot coming out with water on the other side. Maybe a traditional 3 shots to the green is a better approach.
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18 – Prolapse Collapse
Hole Info
Description
This is a better finishing hole than Adam’s mouth. Driver is not the answer here as the fairway pinches to 20 yards at that long bunker. You can choose the first landing area at about 200 yards just right of that first bunker or the smaller landing area just short of the second bunker at about 245. Your shots in will be about 175 or 125 respectively to a fully guarded bunker. This is a true prolapse collapse hole.