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1 – Tunnel of Fuck
Hole Info
Description
This would be a great time to learn to hit a fade. This course likes to fuck you right off the bat with the #1 handicap hole. I get it, you have to have a perfect tee shot through the tunnel of fuck and over that trap to have a pretty open shot at the green in two. If this is how this course is going to play we are in for a bit of a knotted rope to the nuts.
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2 – Lady Blowing Bubbles Upside Down
Hole Info
Description
Should be able to swing freely on this one. Good landing area for a long hitter. Favor the right side as trees are better than swimming. Green is protected by a few bunkers but you should have a clear shot into this with a short iron.
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3 – Force Lake Mirage Oasis
Hole Info
Description
That lake to your right is called Force Lake. It was named after the Catholic Church. My point is, just like the Churches response to the horrible atrocities we are just going to pretend that lake isn’t there. If we do that we will get a good shot into the green and somehow still get into heaven. AMEN.
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4 – Fucking Foam Glow
Hole Info
Description
Foam Glow is the world largest GLOWING FOAM run and after part…I fucking hate Portland. I don’t know why that has to be on my fucking green on google maps…I digress.
Aim this fucker just off the edge of those trees unless you can draw it around them. Short hole with an slight uphill shot to the green with three shitty traps in front to catch anything short. Just get up there and Foam Glow the shit out of this hole. -
5 – Pinch Your Ass Cheeks and Clip Some Trees.
Hole Info
Description
If you can hit a bomb draw this hole was made for you. If you can’t you will need to run that tree line like you are holding in a taco bell shit for 3 days. Landing just a bit over that trap would be ideal. Now if the concept of hitting a drive that pays homage to a taco bell shit you have had to hold in for 3 days is too much for you… this is a very short par 5 that you could go about 190 to the front right of that trap. Then another 190 to about 100 yards out. Or you could fish around in those stupid shorts you wore today and coax your penis out to join you and rip a perfect clinched ass drive and be a hero.
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6 – Shittin’ in the Lake
Hole Info
Description
This hole looks like a guy taking a shit in a lake. I wont give up on this until everyone sees it. SEE IT???
Another hallway of trees to hit out of, and you want to keep the whole thing right and fly those traps. If you can throw a little fade spin on this it can run you up pretty tight. Hitting into a heavly guarded green so aiming for the middle is the safest bet…ya bitch. Just go pin seeking and deal with maybe a sand save at the worst. -
7 – No One Can Hear Your Screams Jamie
Hole Info
Description
We are on the outside of the course, next to multiple rail roads with woods to our right…I’m just sayin’
Pretty straight forward par three…little long with some bunkers but unless some hungry hungry hobos come up from the tracks and force us into a soup kitchen type situation. Fuckin dirty Mike and the boys rollin through PDX looking for stray dick. -
8 – Lake Dick Gonna Fuck Someone
Hole Info
Description
We are all decent golfers and I imagine most of us will get through another tunnel of trees and be safe in the fairway but I think someone is going to drop it right in that lake dick up there.
Aim your tee shot down the right side. You only need to clear that big tree on the right to get a look at the green. If you can fade this drive around the corner, it will leave you with a short chip to the green. -
9 – No Means No! Lake Dick
Hole Info
Description
There he is again…little lake dick. I think we should all have a pull from the flask at the tip of the dick.
Nothing special here (except Lake Dick). You should be able to easily fly that fairway trap and roll into the narrow part of the fairway. If you are worried about landing then ease up to the left edge to get the best shot into the green. -
10 – Jamie’s Smoothy Straw Dick
Hole Info
Description
Just like Jamie’s smoothy dick this one gets thin. With multiple pairs of balls??? I’m reaching.
Those Traps can eat a trappy dick for all I care. Aim over the right one and get into this bitch. It is a short par 5 that is very reachable in 2. This…This is where you fix all the shit you just fucked up on the front 9. Jamie’s Smoothy Straw Dick is where it all turns around for you.
Green is big and just aching for your balls so fire away. Get this bitch. -
11 – LGBQTALLASSWARMTH
Hole Info
Description
Just like sliding onto a work toilet that has been pre warmed I want you to slide this ball right down the middle. Just hugging that trap on the right like Deborah’s ass did to the toilet seat just before you sat down. Why does she go by Deborah instead of Deb? Deb is a fun name, Deborah is a cunt’s name….I guess we will never know.
Your approach is framed by the railroad tracks and just beyond, what I assume is either a sewage treatment plant or where they stuff all the Portland teen homeless’s bodies once they become adults and it is no longer on brand for Portland. Why can’t it be both? -
12 – Teen Homeless Problem
Hole Info
Description
Seriously, lets talk about this. Portland has a huge teen homeless problem but they don’t really have an adult homeless problem. I honestly think their bodies are right behind us in that watery grave. Fuck, that is sick. Anyway, good luck on this hole.
If you can fly that trap do so, staying left….if not, well a little beach front property would be a nice drive to. Really, just to be alive, unlike the thousands of homeless adults floating behind us, is really nice. -
13 – Pool of Googe (Waterworld Challenge 1/5)
Hole Info
Description
Well this big pool of spunk right in front of the green really fucks up this would be easy par 5…BUT BEGINS THE COVETED WATERWORLD CHALLENGE!!! My balls aren’t afraid of a little sticky magic, lets go for it in 2. Get your drive out there a good 270 flying right by that bullshit trap that only a bitch would hit in. Then, get yourself your favorite miracle 200 club and put some smoke on it landing just on the front edge and rolling out to a tap in eagle.
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14 – Christmas Isthmus (Waterworld Challenge 2/5)
Hole Info
Description
Finally, a true Isthmus…a fucking Christmas Isthmus. This little par 3 should have been called “Fuck This Bitch”. 188 with water on both sides and a clover green protected by traps. I would say good luck but I don’t think luck will even show up on this hole. Skin carries and we all take 6.
OR…Get your 190 club and drop this bitch right in the middle of the green to remind everyone how big your dick is. -
15 – Pressure Cooker (Waterworld Challenge 3/5)
Hole Info
Description
This hole you have to worry about how accurate you are with a Driver? 3 wood? 5 iron? There are many landing spots out there you just have to hit one and not run through the trees. Oh, while you are making your decision people on hole number 13 are slicing chili dippers up your ass while you tee off. I’m sure these two tiny fucking trees will save us from going to the hospital or never seeing our kids again. Good luck FORE!!!
Good news is the looks like you could land on it pretty safely…as long as it is right in the middle and prefect. -
16 – Hibiscus Isthmus (Waterworld Challenge 4/5)
Hole Info
Description
Two Isthmuses…Isthmusi??? in one round? This Hubiscus Isthmus is really narrow so don’t trip and tear your Meniscus.
This perfectly beautiful hole is 144. All the safety is on the right so if the flag is on the left you better tighten your cock ring if you are pin seeking. -
17 – Sandy Nut Shot (Waterworld Challenge 5/5)
Hole Info
Description
This one sets up pretty terrifying looking. Water carry, trap carry, water backstop. It is all an illusion. You should hit right over those traps or bend your drive around them. That water is a million miles away, if you hit into it you have hit the best worst drive of your life. Green has tons of room in the back. Finish this Waterworld Challenge with a birdie and take home the prize.
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18 – Take Me Home Cunty Roads
Hole Info
Description
No idea why this is a # 6 handicap. Those traps are only in play if you hit a weak fade into them and this green is big and approachable. You are on pace for a hell of a back 9 you just have to get your drive out there and finish this course strong. I’ll by you a hat that says I made this course my bitch if you get an eagle.