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1 – Hey Guys, Wanna Play Belly Stix?
Hole Info
Description
Great opening middle of the road hole here. Your drive should wave at that sand trap as it sails by landing perfectly 80 yards from the pin. The approach is where this gets a little tricky with a very small perfect circle green that slopes off in all directions. Middle of the green is what you want.
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2 – 808 Kick Drum Make The Girlies Get Dumb
Hole Info
Description
This is a bombs away hole. There is a ridge that comes from the rough down to the fairway that you want to aim at. If you hit the back side of that you are running up to a little pitch shot to the green.
The green has a serries of “fore” traps with he first two being well in front of the green. The third trap will catch any short left shots. This is a big green and going for the middle to mid-back is a safe play. -
3 – Приподнятая коробка
Hole Info
Description
This is a pretty par 3 with an elevated tee box and a bit of a bowl shaped green. Couple of traps guard the green. Distance on this could play up to 10 yards shorter with the elevated box (title of Brittney Griner’s sex tape… Russian translation above)
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4 – Why The Fuck is There a Fairway Down Here?
Hole Info
Description
Jaimie hit his ball down left the last time we played here to find that there is actually nice fairway down in that fucking cavernous fucksville. I believe his second shot was wonderous.
Safe play is at that first trap on the right, or even the tree…unless you have been bombing it then go right at the green. About 250 to clear the longest part of the lower fairway. The green side trap has a decent lip so if the pin is tucked make sure you down catch a runner off the backside. -
5 – Big Ol’ Juicy Ass
Hole Info
Description
This is another hole you can feel pretty comfortable just slamming it off the tee. That first trap shouldn’t come into play and just right of it is your aim point to roll up short of the second trap. That Green side trap is made less scarry with a big ol’ juicy ass backstop that you can just slam your balls into and enjoy what it leaves you with…syphilis
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6 – Oh Fuck, We Need Another Hole
Hole Info
Description
At first glance this hole looks like they only had 17 holes at the end of building this course and tossed in this one they borrowed from the local par 3 course down the road. But, this one has some teeth. 115 is actually a weird distance and this green looks small enough that only one of us can fit on it at a time. This one will take a good tee shot. Maybe throw some tour sauce on this one.
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7 – Swear Jar…Mother Fuckers
Hole Info
Description
Oh this one is going to make us invent swear words. I don’t know if I have ever seen a pre-fairway trap before. It is like hey, you fucked up your drive already, we put this here so you are double fucked. Aim right over that bitch and run it past the fairway trap. Now the fuckery begins. You have two choices clear the water left, or run up the right side to eventually hit over the water for your approach. Now I know I write these notes like that is actually your choice but we all know the ball and your shit swing will determine how you play your 3rd shot.
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8 – Have You Ever Fucked in A Barn? Want to?
Hole Info
Description
Hardest hole on the course and for good reason. At 449 yards is is as close as you can get to a par 5 and still be a 4. Plus, there IS A FUCKING BARN IN PLAY on this hole. The barn and the trap are a mind fuck as the green is still another 65 yards from the back of that trap. Oh, don’t forget this fairway is basically a shared fairway with the next hole. So, keep your drive left of those traps if you aren’t feeling friendly today. Your approach will be from over 185 out and OVER A FUCKING BARN to a large but undulating green with two defined sides. Par on this hole is one hell of an accomplishment.
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9 – Old Sweaty Gunch
Hole Info
Description
Remember this hole? If you sliced your drive on the last hole you have already played this one so may as well slice this fucker and get to experience the last hole. The more you can flirt with the second trap on the right the less your approach will be over water. This green is long, and shared by the hole to the left. It slopes off on the back so don’t believe the look of a backstop when you are throwing your dart.
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10 – Truckers Be Fucking
Hole Info
Description
Those last three holes were rough. Not as rough as all the trucker fuckin’ going on around here. You see just left of the green is the Northbound French Prairie Rest Area with a HUGE trucker parking lot. Just in past the green over the freeway is the Southbound French Prairie Rest Area…You KNOW truckers be fuckin’. Other than then that the hole is uninteresting and a nice rest from the last 3 holes. Get a drive out there left and past that lone tree and wedge one into this back to front sloping green that falls off on all sides. Mind the “Fore” bunker that is there to fuck your depth perception.
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11 – Bigfoot’s Dick
Hole Info
Description
Get comfy we are gonna be on this hole for a while. The only real challenges on this one is your drive has to be long and straight…don’t hook one on to 1-5 I can’t imagine that would end well. Your second shot just needs to find fairway over those traps that split the fairway. Then the green slopes to the font and to the back and falls off in every direction and it is really small. But those are the only challenges on this hole.
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12 – Fucking Kids, Shut Up…oh, They Aren’t Here
Hole Info
Description
They either moved the trap on this or I’m on the wrong hole…that fairway trap is on the right in the fly by? Anyway, this hole is just long and pretty straight. Favor the left side on your drive to not have to fly the trap if the pin is in the back. The green is two tiered…don’t leave yourself on the wrong tier.
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13 – Have We Murdered The Diane Jokes?
Hole Info
Description
Here it is, the easiest hole on the course…a.k.a Diane. Although this will take some finesse. The green has a ridge running through it left to right making this kind of a two tiered green. The right side of the green is flat rough where the left side of the green slopes off into the water. Your miss here would be to the right.
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14 – I Can’t Have an Erection at Work, Actually Yes I Can
Hole Info
Description
This one looks pretty pedestrian so lets not all fuck it up. That fairway trap is way out there so if you hit in it you could probably just use you massive balls to get you onto the green from there. This green almost looks sunken with some hills to play off of. Go pin seeking.
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15 – Premature Ejaculanding Zone
Hole Info
Description
If you can hug the left side and reach just shy of that trap you might get some extra roll from an old humpity hump in the fairway. Just past that trap is a false landing area short of the green. Not really sure if that is supposed to mess with your depth perception on the approach or just a nice place to have a picnic. The green is even higher than the picnic area so take a bit more club. Green is totally flat but falls off the sides.
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16 – Bitch Betta Have My Money
Hole Info
Description
Hey look guys, there is an ATM on this hole…No, not ass to mouth….although it could be? They made this hole much easier by removing a trap on the right and getting rid of the hill behind the left bunker. The hill would obfuscate (fucking fancy huh?) you view to the green. So, this one shouldn’t be all that scary. Drive should be aimed right down the middle not needing to worry about that trap. The approach looks like it might be a bit downhill with a bowl on the right and fall off on the left.
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17 – Tired Old Fuck
Hole Info
Description
This is it….this is your last chance to hit a fucking par 3 on this course. You missed all the others. Hitch up you balls and hit a pure shot off the tee. This green is split front to back by a ridge making a distinct left and right side. The back sides of those traps will kick you ball.
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18 – Jamie’s Greatest Victory
Hole Info
Description
In the late hours of a Saturday night in 2016, poor Jamie sat broken hearted knowing he had no chance at winning the CG bet. He hacked his way down the fairway of this lonely par 5. Finishing the hole with a single tear running down his cheek he looked up to find the Gods of terrible bets had bestowed upon him the smoke showiest of weddings for the others to ogle at in disbelieve. That day Jamie was a champion, and nothing will ever take that away…I mean we did change the bet structure the following year cause fuck him right?
Oh, the hole…right. Hit it straight, go for it in 2, it’s just fucking water don’t be a bitch.