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1 - Fuckin’ Dick Butt
Hole Info
Description
Fun fact, the guy who designed this course also designed Crosswater and Pumpkin Ridge. His name is Bob, or Daryl or some white guy name like that, it doesn’t matter. This first hole is a good chance to stretch it out and start with a fucking eagle. Tee shot is wide open with no real danger in sight. Get one out there a mile and leave yourself with a chance to reach in 2. The fuckery here happens on the green. This is a massive 3 green shared dumpster fire with 13 and 17. So, make sure you are aiming at the correct flag (Hint, it is the one in front of you)
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2 – Big ol’ Dog Dick
Hole Info
Description
That little bunker was put there to shrivel your dick on the tee box. It is placed right at the end of a nice long drive and tempts you to lay back on this one forcing you to hit a long iron over a creek into a bowl shaped green that has no protection and is move inviting than….yeah…Diane. So, your options are to crush a drive that fades just a touch to roll you away from that trap but leave you with a short iron or lay back, play it cool and hammer a long iron right into Diane’s loving playland.
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3 – Mickey Mouse Clubhouse of Fuck
Hole Info
Description
This is a nice easy 148 yard par 3. Nothing doin’. Just strip away all the bull shit, take out your 150 club and right at that fucking Mickey Mouse sand trap. This hole should yield walk offs and 4 pars.
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4 – Jizz Covered Tee Box
Hole Info
Description
There is no reason on this hole that we don’t all hit drives that cause us to cover the tee box in jizz. WIDE open fairway, short par 4, drivable green (with a sprinkler head bounce) and almost no dangers by the green. This should yield 4 Shots of the Round.
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5 – Easy Like Sunday Moaning
Hole Info
Description
This is fucking easy…like easy easy. Like….no, I’m not going to bring up Diane again and we all know Vicki aint easy and Karen is a unicorn. Anyway, just ease this bitch up there. Go pin seeking, nothing here to be scared of. You should have a pair of birds on your card after the last hole and this one.
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6 – Revenge of Ettinger Reservoir
Hole Info
Description
You cum blasted a drive right over Ettinger Reservoir on hole 4 and you didn’t even fucking know it. Well, Ettinger Reservoir don’t take too kindly to being disrespected. So, it will fuck at a minimum, one of us on this hole. I feel like that is a fair trade.
If you really get ahold of a drive here you could possibly go for it in 2…that is what the Reservoir wants. Keeping your drive left keeps this hole in good perspective for your 2nd and 3rd shots. -
7 – Sue Bird is a Legend
Hole Info
Description
Like the WNBA this hole is all about boring fucking layups. This hole is short, and all about picking your distance for your second shot, not about how close you can get to the edge of the fairway. So, get on your fast break and show off those credit card hops with a nice soft layup in the 200 yard range so you can wedge this one up to scissoring distance….get it?
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8 – Dimes or 8s
Hole Info
Description
This is a long long fucker that rewards you with a tiny ass green that is part of that 3 pronged green structure from hole 1. This is a true 3 shot par 5 and they all 3 have to be perfect. So either drop some dimes or write down an 8.
The Drive is really wide open but you want to get yourself down there to set up the next two shots. The meat of that 2nd shot landing area is about 120 from the pin, so flirting with either the far edge of the water or keeping it left is a good play to get you closer to 100 out. There is a secondary 2nd shot landing area but it is smaller. Just be perfect this hole and card something less than an 8. -
9 – Road to Refreshments
Hole Info
Description
It is absolutely time for more beer. Little bit longer par 4 with absolutely no hazards, sans a lone sand trap in the middle of nowhere that only an asshole would find themselves in. Just split this bitch down the middle and show us all how you put backspin on your long iron approaches like you taught Tiger.
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10 – Famous/Infamous Penis
Hole Info
Description
This hole looks just like a famous, or infamous BEAUTIFUL penis we all know and love. Just look at that little guy, I want to wave at him.
Drive one out there just past that little bend in the dick. Fairway is wide open, like my mouth thinkin’ of that dick, and should be an easy drive. Approach is to a green that is guarded by sloping off front, right, and left. Jut hit it to the middle and sink the bird. -
11 – Meg, You Are What is Known as a Practice Girl
Hole Info
Description
Just like a practice girl, and those 6 beers we picked up at the turn, this hole is here to build you confidence for the rest of the back nine. Pitching wedge, soft 9 (title of my sex tape), fuck you could putt this and still hit that massive green. The green slopes off in all directions but you should be more worried about fixing your ball mark on the green.
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12 – This is Some Shady Shit
Hole Info
Description
This hole ends up being another true 3 shot par 5. Your approach needs to be from a distance you can really control. The green will be shaded in the afternoon and will hide that trap that sits right in front of the green. This is a tiny green so best 2nd shot will be on that landing area just over the creek and just in front of that bunker. I think 5 is a hell of a score on this hole.
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13 – WTF? OVER!
Hole Info
Description
It took me 15 minutes to actually figure out this was a hole. The tee box is tucked back in the magical forest of shit and the hole is laid out to toss a bitch ass little shot out there to a huge landing area so go ahead and just do what you are told. Float through life like a old piece of shit….OR rage, rage against the lazy architect and hit this ball right over those fucking trees right at the green. And put for eagle.
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14 – That Last Hole Was Fucking Stupid
Hole Info
Description
This little guy plays a little up hill. So tack on a few yards to your shot. Green slopes off in all directions so a safe aim is at the middle of this big ol’ fatty green.
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15 – Ettinger Reservoir III – First Blood of the Purge
Hole Info
Description
If you survived the first two tangles with the Ettinger Reservoir I will just write you down for a triple here.
Not a hole you want to try and long dick it on. 250 - 270 is the drive you are looking for. Longer shots should stay right. The approach from the left is better as you are not having to fly some nasty traps. It looks like the green is a little elevated so maybe ass a few extra yards to be safe. -
16 – Oh Shit, She’s a Squirter
Hole Info
Description
This one just needs you to swing smooth and hit a 200 yard dime to the middle of the green and let it roll up to the pin. Tap in for bird and we are all squirters. There is zero danger on this hole.
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17 – Deflating My Pump Up Penis
Hole Info
Description
Aim on this one is right over that trap. If you get close to that tree you have a speed slot in the fairway that can run you out further or into the tiny creek just off the fairway. Best bet is to try and cut across the fairway to the right side leaving you a dry approach to the 3rd green of this giant 3 headed green. Aside from the water this green is very landable.
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18 – NO! They’re All Gonna To Laugh At You
Hole Info
Description
This hole is either going to have you toasting your eagle or carding an 8 and it all depends on the drive. If you can get this out there 270+ you have a shot at taking a long iron into the green in 2. If you fuck your drive then your second shot becomes very narrow with that lake running all the way along the right side. Everything….EVERYTHING slopes to the water. Your approach is only safe back left of the green and you can play a bank back there. Make sure not to fuck this up because everyone in the club house is watching.